Looking Through the Glass Darkly
by WeHaveACase
Summary: As we go through life, we see only pieces of the truth, as parts of the glass are rubbed clean. Sometimes, it’s the pieces that we do not see that will become our downfalls. Angsty piece, not my typical stuff. Read author note!
1. The Beginning of the End

This story will be extremely angst ridden, not my typical writing. If that is not your cup of tea, turn back now. For those of you who remain, this story takes place where Annihilated left off, after the Royce case, and continues. Please keep in mind that this story picks up where the episode left off. It does not change what happened during the episode.

Rating: I am rating the story T, but please be advised that there is a sex scene in this first chapter only. The smaller sets of - - - - - divide that scene so you can skip it and still understand the story.

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**Looking through the Glass Darkly**

"For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part,

but then I shall know even as also I am known. 1Corinthians 13:12

_As we go through life, we see only pieces of the truth, as parts of the glass are rubbed clean._

_Sometimes, it's the pieces that we do not see that will become our downfalls._

Chapter One: The Beginning of the End

Olivia let herself into her apartment that night juggling take-out Thai food and a stack of files. It had been a long day of nothing but paperwork, and she was dreading settling in with more tonight, but it had to be done. She and Elliot were hopelessly behind, and Cragen was getting impatient. Elliot. She was worried about him, as pissed off as that would make him. When she had gotten out of the elevator that morning he had looked so out of it. He had looked right through her as he'd boarded the elevator, mumbling some empty reassurance.

She sighed as she set out her work for the night and took a bite of Pad Thai before glancing down at the first DD-5. The man was so infuriating sometimes, well all the time, and she didn't always know why she put up with him. But she did, he was her partner, her best friend, no matter how strained things were between them.

This case had gotten to him, it hit too close to home. Their suspect had murdered his mistress/fiancée, and then a few days later had shot and killed his wife and their three children, before trying, unsuccessfully, to kill himself. When she had gotten to work that morning, Cragen had told her that Elliot had gotten the confession and to wrap up the case while her partner went home to sleep. She stifled a yawn at the thought of sleep, pushing away the paperwork and sitting back against her couch to finish eating.

A heavy handed knock at her door drew her attention to the clock. 12:13AM Only one person would come to her apartment so late. She stretched as she stood, brushing stray grains of rice from her lap as she made her way to the door. She sighed as she caught a glimpse of her partner through the peep hole. His hands were shoved deep in the pockets of his jeans, something resembling a scowl on his face. She sighed again as she pulled open the door.

"Hey El." She smiled.

"Hey."

She opened the door wider, allowing him to come inside. He brushed past her and headed to her couch. Her face fell as she watched him. "You look like hell, Stabler."

He scowled up at her. "Gee thanks."

"Sorry," she shrugged, closing the door and joining him on the couch. She pushed the paperwork into a stack on the edge of the coffee table as he grabbed the carton of food from the table and took a bite. "What's up?"

"Nothing," he sighed. He placed the carton back on the table leaning back and closing his eyes.

"Bullshit."

"Olivia," he warned, eyes still closed.

"El." She laid a gentle hand on his arm and he tensed. "What happened this morning?" He shrugged her hand away and stood up, pacing away from her. "Don't do this again Elliot."

"Do what?" He turned on her.

She stood up, getting defensive. "Shut me out, damn it!"

"Olivia," he growled.

"Elliot," she growled back mockingly. "I thought we were over all this El, you shutting me out all the time."

"We are."

"Then talk to me Elliot. When you left this morning you couldn't even look at me. You looked like you wanted to punch something."

"I did," he muttered under his breath and she raised an eyebrow. "I almost killed him."

"Royce?" She asked and he nodded. "What did you do?"

He ran a hand over his head. "Remember the move he used on his fiancée?"

She thought for a moment, then winced. "Oh Elliot, please tell me you didn't…"

"Not really," he shrugged, "just made him think I was going to." Then he grimaced, "and I blocked the door so Cragen couldn't pull me out."

Her hand flew to her mouth. "He's going to-"

"Kill me, I know." He groaned, flopping back onto the couch. "I couldn't get the kids out of my head," he said softly a few minutes later. "Every time I think about it, I see my kids in those beds," he choked out in a pained whisper.

Without thinking, she pulled him into her arms. Her heart broke for him as his arms came around her waist and he buried his face in her neck. She could feel the tension in him as he struggled to control his emotions. She rubbed his back comfortingly. She felt the shift a moment later. This was the most physical contact they had had in- well, ever. There was a different kind of tension in his body as he pulled back slightly. Her arms fell from his back to his arms, his own still on her waist. His eyes were intense on her, and she couldn't breathe as she looked away, making a half hearted attempt to pull out of his arms. His grasp on her waist tightened, pulling her into his body. She gasped as a hand left her waist, tilting her chin up, making her face him. Her lips parted involuntarily, her breathing quickening, as he lowered his head torturously slowly and slanted his lips over hers.

- - - - -

She moaned into his mouth as she opened to him, the kiss deepening instantly. She was kissing him back, her arms drifting around his neck, fingers dancing through the hair at the nape of his neck. He nipped lightly at her bottom lip as he trailed kisses along her jaw line to tease the spot behind her ear. She gasped and moaned again as his lips left a trail of fire, kissing a path down her neck, pausing to torture the skin at its juncture with her shoulder, before continuing downward. His fingers made short work of the buttons of her blouse, opening it and pushing it from her shoulders. Her own fingers were tugging at his T-shirt as he kissed a path to her breasts. She moaned, her task forgotten, as he peeled away the cup of her bra placing open mouthed kisses on her breast before taking it into his mouth. Her fingers threaded through his hair, her back arching as waves of pleasure when straight to her core.

She had to touch him, she decided through her haze of arousal, reluctantly pushing him away from her breast to tug the T-shirt up and over his head. He unhooked her bra and tossed it somewhere behind him as he pulled her flush against him. Both groaned at the feeling of skin on skin. Her hands danced to the waistband of his jeans and he growled, standing and lifting her into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist, groaning as his denim encased erection pressed against her, and her arms around his neck. He stumbled down the hallway to her bedroom, finding it hard to navigate with her wrapped around him in that way, especially as she nibbled at his earlobe.

He finally made it to her bedroom, laying her out on the bed as he stepped back to remove his jeans. She was watching him with a look that was a cross between amusement and arousal as she unsnapped her own jeans and shimmied out of them. His eyes darkened at the sight of her in nothing but black lace panties, and in an instant, the amusement in her eyes was gone leaving pure arousal. He slipped out of his boxers before joining her on the bed.

He kissed her deeply, groaning into her mouth as her hand crept between their bodies to wrap around his impressive length. After a moment, her touch was too much. He pulled her hand away, pressing it above her head as he growled, nipping at her breasts and leaving faint marks. She moaned and arched into him again, his hardness pressing against her inner thigh.

His mouth left her breasts to travel down her body, stopping to press a kiss to her belly button before continuing to her lace panties. She groaned as he took the material in his teeth and tugged, wiggling them from her hips. When they were off, he pushed her legs apart, opening her to him. She couldn't breathe as he lowered his face to her. She felt him place open mouthed kisses on her inner thighs, avoiding the place she needed him most. Finally, she couldn't take it any longer.

"Please El-" She moaned, threading her fingers in his hair as he gave in, running his tongue along the length of her opening before thrusting inside. Her hips arched off the bed, pushing towards his mouth. He nuzzled her clit, circling it with his tongue, before pushing two fingers into her. Her body clenched around his fingers, the pleasure building as he withdrew them and thrust again, this time adding a third finger. His mouth was still torturing her clit, tongue circling and flicking, his teeth gently scraping over the sensitized bud. He threw an arm over her abdomen to control her bucking hips as he sucked her clit into his mouth and she screamed as her orgasm shattered around her.

He kissed his way up her body before pressing his lips to hers. She moaned beneath him as the head of him pressed into her. She dug her nails into his back, leaving marks, as he thrust into her sheathing himself completely.

"God, El," she gasped into his ear as he stilled inside her, giving them both a moment to adjust.

She clenched her inner muscles around him and he groaned, "Jesus Liv."

She grinned and did it again, "Move."

"As you wish," he growled as he pulled out of her before slamming back.

"Oh!" She gasped again, wrapping her legs around his waist and bringing her hips up to meet his as he drove into her body harder and faster. She moaned a combination of his name and God's as the pleasure built and he pushed her closer and closer to the edge.

He was so damn close. "Come Liv," he ordered, bringing his hand down to swipe a thumb over her clit. She screamed as her orgasm washed over her and she came apart around him, biting down on his shoulder. He groaned her name as he thrust two more times before his own climax overtook him and he exploded inside her. Her arms were still wrapped around his back as they rode out the aftershocks of their orgasms. He collapsed to the side, rolling onto his back as he tried to get his breathing back to normal. She turned her body into him, laying her head on his chest, a leg tangling with his as they drifted to sleep.

- - - - -

A few hours later, she felt the bed shift. Quietly opening her eyes, she glanced around the room. Her heart sank as she spotted him. He was pulling his clothes on at the foot of her bed, his back to her. She felt the tears spring to her eyes as he stood, and she closed them, waiting until his footsteps faded and she heard the apartment door close.

She took a shuddering breath as she opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. _He left. Elliot left._ She fought the tears that threatened as she got out of bed. Her eyes fell on a single sheet of paper on her nightstand.

_I'm sorry._

She crumpled the paper in her fist. She reached out and tore the sheets off of her bed, balling them up and shoving them into her hamper. She'd wash them and give them away. She snatched her scattered clothing off the floor and shoved them in after the sheets. She put new sheets on the bed before climbing in and curling into a ball. As she finally let herself begin to cry, her only thought was that, for the first time, even with her history with one night stands, she felt…cheap.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

She went in to work then next morning determined to carry on as if nothing had happened. She made the coffee, joked with Munch, and went on a case with Fin. When they returned, Elliot was sitting at his desk, working on paperwork and a sandwich. She acknowledged him with a slow nod before sitting down to her own paperwork. She made a lunch date with Casey; they talked about mundane topics, summer plans and shopping. She returned to the station to finish her paperwork and interview a witness with Fin. When she left for the day, she grabbed her notes and her jacket from the back of her chair. Glancing up, she caught his eye. With a sigh she nodded again. Last night would be forgotten. They had worked too hard over the last nine years to let something like this ruin everything.

Please Review!

I am looking for a beta so that I can post this on SVUFiction (dot) com. If you are interested, please let me know!! Thanks


	2. The Catalyst

Sorry it's taken me so long to update this….Work is sort of ruling my life this summer, but I'm trying to get a bunch more updating done before I go back to school in a few weeks. Thanks to all of you who've shown an interest in this story. Hopefully it'll live up to your expectations. The last section of this chapter contains dialogue taken directly from the season finale (Screwed)…you'll recognize it. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 2 – The Catalyst**

They were smack dab in the middle of the trial from hell. Darius Parker and his lawyers were dragging the entire squad through the mud. Casey came by the squad room the evening it all started, already looking as exhausted as Olivia felt. She collapsed into Elliot's desk chair, eyeing Olivia as she sat staring down at the file in front of her, her chin propped on her hand.

"You okay Liv? You don't look so great," Casey observed, leaning forward in her chair to study her friend.

"Eh," Olivia shrugged weakly, taking a deep breath and sitting back. "I think it's just this case. I'm almost nauseous, but I think it's just from worrying about everything." She tried to explain.

"IAB still pressuring you?" Casey asked softly and Olivia nodded.

"They've started tracking Dean Porter. They're trying to get him to make a statement against me."

"What are you going to do Liv?"

"I don't know," Olivia shrugged again. "I know it was stupid, but- oh," she took a sharp breath, rising shakily and taking off down the hallway. Casey ran after her, following her into the women's restrooms, where she winced as she heard the unmistakeable sounds of her friend getting sick.

"Liv?" She called softly, lightly tapping her knuckles against the cool metal of the stall door. She stepped back as Olivia unlocked the door and it swung open slowly. Olivia was in a ball on the floor, huddled beside the toilet, her face pale and hands shaking.

"I think it's more than the case," Olivia whispered shakily from the floor, looking up at Casey with fear in her eyes.

"What happened sweetie?" Casey asked as she gently lowered herself to sit cross-legged on the tile floor beside her friend. Olivia took a shuddering breath as she tried unsuccessfully to ward off another wave of nausea. Casey rubbed her back soothingly, holding her hair back, until Olivia finished and leaned back against the wall of the bathroom stall with her eyes closed. When she opened them again, they were brimming with tears.

"I think I might be pregnant," Olivia choked out in a whisper.

"Oh sweetie," Casey pulled her into her arms, hugging her and rocking with her as she sobbed. When she'd calmed a little, Casey pulled back to glance down at her friend. "You okay?"

Olivia shrugged as she made an effort to dry her face. Casey stood and offered a hand to Olivia, pulling her up off of the floor. "Let's get you home, huh?" Casey suggested, and the women slipped out of the bathroom, heading back to the empty squad room.

A half hour later, Casey knocked on the door to Olivia's apartment, white pharmacy bag in hand. Olivia opened the door slowly. She had changed while she waited for Casey, and wore yoga pants and a standard issue NYPD sweatshirt. Her hair was pulled back in a haphazard ponytail, and her face was pale as she stepped back to allow Casey to enter the apartment. Casey handed her the white paper bag as she shrugged out of her coat and stuck it on the hook by the door. Olivia held the bag by two fingers, eyeing it with thinly veiled fear in her eyes.

"Not gonna bite, Liv," Casey almost laughed, and Olivia glared at her. "You going to do it now?" She asked as she perched on the arm of the couch.

"N-now?" Olivia stammered. "I – uh-"

Casey sighed, "Sweetie, you have to know. You can't just ignore this and hope it goes away. Especially if you are pregnant."

"I know, I know, I just-" Olivia sat heavily on the couch beside Casey.

"You're scared." Olivia nodded and Casey wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her friend into a hug. "I get it Liv, I do. And I'm not going anywhere, okay? You are not alone."

Olivia nodded against Casey's shoulder before taking a deep breath and standing. Casey squeezed her hand, nodding her support as Olivia disappeared into the bathroom with the pharmacy bag. She came out a few moments later and sat back down beside Casey. "Three minutes," she said softly. "God, I can't believe this is happening."

"Wanna talk about it?" Casey offered.

Olivia sighed, leaning back against the cushions of the couch, one hand coming up to rub her forehead, the other resting over her abdomen. "It was the night after the Royce case."

"The guy who killed his fiancée and family?" Casey clarified and Olivia nodded.

"When I came in that morning, Elliot was on his way out. He was really out of it. I found out later that he had gotten the confession, but he'd nearly killed the guy in the process." Casey winced and Olivia chuckled humorlessly. "He came over later that night, to- talk. He said he saw his kids every time he thought about it, and the only thing I could think to do was to hug him." Olivia looked down at her hands with a sigh. "I'm still not entirely sure how it happened, but- he was kissing me, and we- we-" Casey squeezed her arm sympathetically. "He left- when he thought I was asleep. He just got dressed and- and walked out." Her tears were starting to fall and she brushed them away. "Eight years, and he didn't even have the courtesy to stick around to tell me I was a mistake."

Casey pulled her friend into her arms, rubbing her back as she spoke. "You are not a mistake Olivia," Casey told her fiercely. "Elliot is an asshole. He had no right to treat you like that Liv."

"I know- I just-" Olivia exhaled shakily, "It hurt Case."

"I know sweetie." Casey glanced down at her watch. "Uh, Liv? It's been five minutes," she told her softly.

"Look for me?" Casey nodded, standing up and slipping into the bathroom. She emerged a few minutes later, an odd look on her face. "Case?"

"They're both positive sweetie," Casey told her softly, and Olivia gasped.

"I'm pregnant?" She whispered, closing her eyes. "Oh my god, oh my god."

--

Her pregnancy was pushed to the corner of her mind as she and the rest of the squad were pulled farther and farther into the insanity of the trial and the press. On top of everything, Casey was pushing her to tell Elliot about the baby soon, before it became too obvious or got out somehow. Olivia had finally agreed to talk to him when the trial was over.

Now though, the partners stood outside the courtroom, waiting to be called in to testify. She leaned against the wall, fighting exhaustion as he paced the hall, glancing down at his watch every so often.

Finally she sighed. "Elliot, you checked the time two minutes ago. What's going on?

He hesitated slightly. "Kathy's pregnant."

She felt physically ill as she tried to mask her surprise. "I didn't know you went back home."

He winced almost imperceptivity. "I haven't." He ran a hand over his head. "I'm pathetic, fooling around like a kid." He shook his head.

He'd just been fooling around with her too, she'd guess. "So what are you going to do?" The words were out before she'd thought them through and she winced inwardly at the look he gave her.

"What do you mean by that?" He asked, becoming defensive.

Her heart was in her throat as she struggled to come up with a response. She was saved though, when the door to the courtroom opened and the defense attorney exited.

"We're in recess. We won't be calling you today, Detective Benson." He turned to Elliot. "You're on after lunch." Olivia took the chance to escape when her cell phone vibrated, alerting her to a text message, and she slipped out to find Simon. When she left Simon in the park, she headed straight to the DA's office. Casey glanced up from sifting through papers on her desk to see Olivia hovering in her doorway.

"Can it wait Liv? I really need to find a few things for the trial," Casey sighed.

"I can't tell him," Olivia said softly in reply, and Casey looked up sharply.

"Close the door Liv." She waited until the detective had closed it and sagged into one of the chairs beside the desk. "What happened?"

"He's going home," she said softly, resigned. "His wife is pregnant." There was a certain degree of bitterness to the statement.

"Oh Liv," Casey came to sit beside her, taking her hand. "I'm so sorry. Do you know- how far-"

Olivia pulled her hand away. "I didn't exactly make it a point to ask."

"Liv," Casey chastised gently.

"I know, I know," Olivia sighed. "I just- I don't want to leave, but- I think I have to."

"Leave?" Casey asked, taken aback.

"I have to. He'll know as soon as I start showing." She shook her head. "I won't make him choose. I won't be that woman," she paused, "besides, it's not as if he'd choose me over his wife and family." She took in her friend's sad expression and squeezed her hand. "I'll take the consequences of my actions with Simon. Then, I'll have to leave SVU."

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Keep in mind, that last section was taken directly from the episode! Please review!

If anyone is interested, I am looking for a beta so that I can post this on SVUFiction. Let me know!


	3. The Calm

Wow, I cannot apologize enough for taking such a long time to update. My only excuse is school and work, and the craziness of everyday life. Summer is fast approaching though, so hopefully I'll have more opportunities to write and post more often. Thank you so much for sticking with this story. Enjoy!

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Chapter 3 --- The Calm

_September 2007_

Olivia woke slowly that morning stretching as she lay in bed. Her hand drifted down to rest over her stomach, the barely there bulge the only outward sign of her pregnancy. She was 20 weeks pregnant now, her morning sickness finally gone, and was actually starting to love being pregnant. Not that it didn't come with its own set of complications, of course. Hiding her pregnancy from her coworkers hadn't been too hard yet, and Casey was the only one who knew. Olivia had been given a four month suspension for her actions with her brother that could not have come at a better time. She had cut off nearly all contact with her squad, relaying the occasional message through Casey or calling Cragen. After her doctor's appointment today however, she planned on handing in her transfer request. She was starting to show, and it wouldn't be long before there was no way to hide her condition from the father of her child.

She scowled at the thought of Elliot, shaking him out of her mind as she climbed out of bed. She got dressed, pulling on one of the few pairs of jeans that still buttoned fairly comfortably, and an empire waist top, before heading into the kitchen to grab a bite of breakfast. With a quick glance at the clock, she stuck an extra piece of bread in the toaster and pulled out the jam. Casey would be there in a few minutes to go with her to her doctor's appointment. Olivia took a bite out of a banana as the toast popped up. She finished spreading the jam just as she heard a knock on her door. She grabbed her slice of toast and made her way to the front of the apartment, pulling open the door.

"Hey Liv, your neighbor buzzed me in." Casey explained as she shrugged out of her coat. "You almost ready?" She asked as she snatched the toast and took a large bite.

"That one was mine," Olivia laughed, closing the door behind her friend. "You have really got to start eating breakfast at your own apartment," she joked as they headed back to the kitchen. Olivia picked up the remaining piece of toast and took a bite. "I just want to finish my breakfast and then I'll be ready to go."

Casey nodded. "Well hurry up, you don't want to be late," she reminded her. Today would be the ultrasound that would reveal the sex of the baby, and "Aunt" Casey was beyond excited.

Olivia laughed, finishing her toast before picking up the banana she'd already started. "Alright, I can finish this in the car. Let's go."

---

They arrived at the doctor's office with perfect timing, and were ushered back within minutes. The doctor performed the physical exam, pronouncing Olivia in good health as he allowed her to redress.

"Your blood pressure is a little high, so I'd like to keep an eye on that, but otherwise everything looks good." The doctor smiled as he pulled the ultrasound machine alongside the exam table. Olivia pulled her shirt up under her breasts and rolled the waistband of her jeans below her belly. "This is going to be a little cold," the doctor warned, "sorry." Olivia winced as the doctor spread the gel and moved the wand across her stomach. After a moment he paused, pushing a few buttons on the machine and jotting down a few notes on her chart, before turning the screen so that she could see it. "There's your baby," he said with a smile, pointing out the head, arms and legs. "Did you want to know the sex?" She hesitated a second, smiling over at Casey before nodding. "It's a girl," he told her with another smile.

"A girl," she breathed, her eyes welling up with tears.

"Congratulations Olivia." He handed her a few tissues to dry her eyes and clean her stomach. "Everything looks great. She's developing well. I want you to keep an eye on your blood pressure, but otherwise you're doing fine. I'll print you a few pictures and see you in a few weeks." The doctor smiled at them both as he left the room.

Casey laughed as Olivia climbed from the exam table, still dabbing at her eyes. "This is going to be so much fun," she teased as they left the office, "all the frilly dresses, and-"

"Casey!" Olivia laughed, "You're going to spoil my daughter before she's even here!"

"I can't help it if I'm excited, I've never gotten to do this!" Casey retorted.

"Me neither," Olivia chuckled as they got into the car.

Casey reached over and squeezed her hand. "You're going to be a great mom, Liv."

---

A few hours later, Olivia found herself standing outside the precinct. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to act natural as she entered the building and boarded the elevator. She smoothed her palm over the slight swell of her stomach, making sure that her blouse disguised the bump. When she entered the squadroom, Fin was the only one at his desk.

"Olivia!" He stood when he saw her come in. "Girl, where you been?" He pulled her into a hug and she prayed he couldn't feel her stomach.

She smiled, "Just trying to enjoy the time off. Have you seen Cragen?"

"Yeah, he's in his office," Fin gestured behind him, towards the door. "Why? Is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah, I just need to speak to him. Thanks." She tapped her knuckles lightly on Cragen's door.

"Come in." She opened the door, nodding when he held up a finger and finished his conversation. She shut the door quietly and took a seat. "Yes sir, thank you. Mmhmm, goodbye."

Cragen hung up the phone and turned to her. "Thanks for waiting Olivia."

"No problem sir."

"So what brings you here? I'm pretty sure your suspension isn't up for another two weeks."

"I know," she took a deep breath as she reached into the pocket of the blazer she wore. She stood and handed him the folded paper she'd removed.

"What's this?" He asked as he unfolded it, his eyes skimming over the words. "Olivia?"

"It's a request for a transfer sir."

"I can see that." He struggled for words for a moment. "Why?"

She sighed, looking down at her hands. "I've been here for over nine years. It's time for a change."

"All due respect Olivia, but that's what you said last year after the Guitano case."

She sighed again. "It's different this time Don."

"Why? What makes this different?"

"I- I'm moving sir. Getting out of New York."

He studied her, knowing there was something she wasn't telling him. "You were born and raised here Olivia. You expect me to believe that after all these years you've gotten tired of the city?"

"Don, I'm not looking for your permission here. If you do not approve my transfer, I will resign. Either way, when my suspension is up, I will not be returning to SVU."

Cragen sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Well I can't say I understand it, but I'll approve your request."

"Thank you sir." She stood, smoothing her shirt and moving towards the door. As she turned to open it, she missed the flicker of curiosity that crossed his face.

"Olivia," she turned back, her hand still on the door knob. "The transfer will be pending for this month, so if you change your mind…my door is always open."

She nodded and slipped out. Stabler and Munch had returned from their case and were now seated at their desks. Cragen watched as she walked through the squadroom, giving Fin and Munch a soft smile, but steadily avoiding looking towards her own desk as she headed for the elevator.

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I know it's a little short, but it's necessary for the build up the the much longer more intense chapters. Please review!


	4. The Storm

Well, here's a really long chapter to make up for my absence for so long. It's very different/angstier than my normal stuff, but I really hope you like it.

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Chapter 4 ---- The Storm

Three weeks later, Olivia awoke in the middle of the night with a groan, unsure of what had woken her. She pushed herself into a sitting position, gasping as a wave of intense pain washed over her. When the pain did not recede, she threw back the sheets to climb out of the bed.

"Oh God, no!" The exclamation was exhaled in horror as she took in amount of blood that stained the sheets beneath her. Her hand flew to her stomach and she gasped as the pain intensified. Tears sprung to her eyes as she slid carefully from the bed. The pain slowed her movements as she made her way haltingly down the hallway. She made it to the living room and grabbed the phone.

"911, what is your emergency?"

Olivia took a shuddering breath. "I'm 23 weeks pregnant, experiencing severe pain and- and bleeding," she winced, "I-I need a bus, my name is Olivia Benson, I'm a-oh!" she gasped, cutting herself off, as the pain blurred her vision. "Hurry," she whispered as she slid down the wall curling instinctively into the fetal position.

"Please stay on the line, Ms. Benson, paramedics are on their way," the operator assured her, "just stay with me."

The paramedics found her passed out on the living room floor a few minutes later. She was rushed to the emergency room and then straight into surgery. Both Casey and Cragen, as her medical proxy and next of kin, were called to the hospital. They found themselves in the waiting room together an hour later. Casey paced the length of the room, splitting her attention between Cragen, who sat with his head in his hands, and the hallway to the operating room.

"Why didn't I know she was pregnant?" Cragen asked in disbelief.

Casey sighed and came to sit beside him. "She didn't want anyone to know. There were- extenuating circumstances. It's why she was leaving the unit."

"Jesus," Cragen scrubbed a hand over his jaw and checked his watch. "Why isn't Stabler here? I thought he was her medical proxy."

Casey shook her head, "She changed it when she found out she was pregnant. She - uh- didn't want him to have to worry about two pregnant women."

"Still, he's her partner. He should know." Cragen started to reach for his phone but was startled when Casey grabbed his arm.

"No!" Casey said sharply, wincing at the look Cragen gave her. "She, uh, wouldn't want any of the guys to know, especially if- if this doesn't end well." Casey explained softly.

He checked his watch again. "Did they tell you anything more when you got here?"

Casey shook her head. "They just said she'd called 911 for a bus, complaining of pain and bleeding. They found her passed out by the phone and-" she interrupted herself as a doctor pushed through the double doors and headed towards them. She and Cragen stood, holding their breaths as the doctor reached them.

"Detective Benson is out of surgery and doing well," he started and both breathed a sigh of relief. "She had an almost complete placental abruption, which was the cause of the pain and bleeding."

"What- what does that mean?"

"It means that the placenta had almost completely separated from the uterine wall."

"Oh my God," Casey gasped. "What about the baby?"

The doctor sighed. "Because of the degree of the separation and the severity of the bleeding, we had to perform a Caesarean section. The baby is in the neonatal intensive care unit for now, but her chances are not very good. At only 23 weeks gestation her lungs are severely under developed. She is on a ventilator now and being monitored closely." He shook his head. "When Olivia wakes up, we may have to prepare her for the worst."

Casey had tears in her eyes as she asked, "When can we see them?"

"Olivia is in recovery. It may be a little while before the anesthesia wears off, but one of you can sit with her. The baby is in the NICU. You can see her through the glass, but only family can go in." He paused and glanced between the two. "Has anyone notified the father?"

Casey tensed, "He doesn't know. He won't be coming."

The doctor nodded. "I can show you to her room, if you'll follow me."

Casey glanced back at Cragen and he nodded. "You go ahead. I need to make a couple of calls, and then I think I'll go up and see the baby." He waited until she had rounded the corner with the doctor before pulling out his cell phone and slipping outside. He called the station, leaving instructions for the following day and letting his detectives know that he was taking a personal day. He thought of Olivia as a daughter, and he wasn't going to be able to go to work in the morning knowing she was here and going through hell. Taking a deep breath, he stood up, shoving his phone into the clip on his belt, and heading back inside the hospital. He made his way up to the neonatal unit, stopping at the window to look in at the newborns.

"Can I help you sir?" He startled and turned to find a young nurse standing behind him.

He cleared his throat. "I'm looking for baby Benson."

"I'm sorry, only family is allowed in the NICU."

"I'm- I'm her grandfather," Cragen lied as smoothly as possible.

The nurse nodded, "Follow me sir." She escorted him into a room where he washed his hands before putting on the gown she handed him and following her into the sterile room. She led him to an incubator that held the tiniest baby he had ever seen.

"God-" he choked out.

The nurse turned back to him, sympathy evident on her face. "Your granddaughter is very premature, sir. I'm so sorry, but you'll want to prepare yourself and your daughter."

He stepped forward, placing a hand on the clear cover of the incubator. "What are her chances?"

"Her lungs are under-"

"I know that," he interrupted. "I asked what her chances are."

"Anywhere from 16% to 20%," the nurse replied reluctantly.

Cragen rubbed a hand over his face. "Can I- touch her?"

The nurse sighed, "Briefly. Just be careful, she's very fragile," she warned, stepping away to give him some privacy.

Very carefully, Cragen slipped his hand through the side of the incubator, letting the baby's tiny hand rest on his pinky finger. She was unresponsive, and he sighed sadly. "Hey princess," he whispered hoarsely, "its – grandpa." He watched the rise and fall of the little girl's chest as the ventilator tried to keep her alive. "We need you to be strong, like your mommy. She loves you very much, and- and losing you just might destroy her. I need you to fight for her, for us," he whispered to her. Behind him the nurse cleared her throat and he swiped at his eyes before turning around. "My time up?" The nurse nodded and Cragen turned back to the baby. "Grandpa loves you," he whispered as he slowly slid his finger out of her grasp and stepped away.

After disposing of the gown and composing himself, he headed down to Olivia's room. When he got there, he found Casey sitting by the bed and holding Olivia's hand. Her head was resting on the bed near Olivia's legs, and Casey seemed to be sound asleep. He chuckled in spite of himself as he pulled a chair up to the bed on the opposite side and lifted Olivia's other hand into his own. The sun was just starting to rise and he was beginning to doze himself when he felt the hand in his shift. Cragen glanced up quickly and watched as Olivia shifted and mumbled in her sleep.

"Casey," he whispered, reaching a hand across the bed to wake the younger woman. Casey shifted and looked up, glancing at Olivia before looking over to Cragen questioningly. "She's starting to wake up, go find her doctor." Casey nodded and hurried out of the room. Cragen turned his attention back to Olivia in time to see her eyes flutter open. "Hey Olivia," he whispered gently.

Slowly her eyes met his and Cragen watched as they clouded with confusion. "Wh-" she started hoarsely, but her mouth was too dry. Cragen poured a small cup of water from the pitcher beside the bed and helped her take a sip. "What happened Don?" She whispered, shifting in the bed then wincing at the soreness in her abdomen. He watched as realization dawned on her face and her hand flew to her stomach. "My baby! Oh God, is my baby-"

To Don's great relief, her doctor chose that moment to appear. "Welcome back, Olivia. How are you feeling?"

"Sore," she answered bluntly. "What happened to my baby?"

"Olivia, you came in with something called placental abruption, which is when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall. In your case, the separation was too severe, and we had to do an emergency C-Section."

Olivia gasped. "No! It's- it's way too early. I was only five months pregnant!"

The doctor nodded and continued. "Your daughter is in the neonatal intensive care unit. I'm sorry Olivia, but it doesn't look good. She weighs only about a pound, and she is very fragile. Her lungs are severely underdeveloped. We have her on steroids and a ventilator, but there hasn't been any improvement like we had hoped."

"What- what are her chances?" Olivia asked softly, choking back the tears and grasping Cragen's hand where it still rested in hers.

"Even with the ventilator, she only has about a sixteen percent chance of survival. If she makes it through the day, they go up to about thirty-five percent, but-"

"But you don't think she will," Olivia finished for him.

The doctor shook his head. "She's not responding to any of our treatments. I'm sorry. You should start preparing yourselves."

"I need to see my daughter."

"A nurse will come in just a few minutes to change your dressings. I'll have her bring a wheelchair and take you up to the NICU." He made a note on the chart in his hand before stepping out of the room.

Olivia laid her head back on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. One hand came up to cover her eyes as she choked back her tears. Cragen squeezed her hand, his heart aching as he watched her struggle with her grief.

"Liv-" he started softly.

"Don't," she interrupted. "Just- don't. My- my daughter is dying, and there is nothing I can do."

"I'm so sorry Olivia."

She lost the battle with her emotions as the tears began to fall. "What am I supposed to do?" She whispered.

He sighed, squeezing her hand again and sitting lightly on the edge of her bed. "Just breathe Liv. We'll go up and see your daughter. You'll hold her and love her for as long as possible."

"But what if-"

"You have to try to think positively Liv. If it happens, we will deal with it. I promise you that you will not be alone. You are going to be okay."

From the doorway, a nurse cleared her throat. "I'm sorry to interrupt. I just need to check your incision and then we can take you up to see your baby."

Cragen squeezed Olivia's hand. "I'm just going to step outside Liv. I'll be right outside when you're ready." She nodded and he slipped outside. He was startled to find Casey hovering outside the door, a look of fear mixed with the tears on her face. "Casey."

She looked up at him and sighed. "I don't know how to do this," she whispered.

"Do what?" He sat in one of the nearby chairs and gestured for her to do the same.

"Help her. What do I say to her? I- I hate hospitals, they make me feel so helpless." Casey leaned forward, head in her hands.

Cragen sighed, resting a comforting hand on her back. "You don't always have to say anything, Casey. Just be there for her. Make sure she knows she has a friend. She's going to need one." Casey nodded, wiping away a few stray tears when the door beside them opened. They both stood when the nurse pushed Olivia out in the wheelchair. The nurse looked between the two then back to Olivia.

"I'm going to take you up to the neonatal unit. Your father can come with us if you'd like," she gestured towards Cragen and he smiled halfheartedly at the look Olivia gave him, "but your friend will have to stay here I'm afraid."

Casey cleared her throat. "That's okay Liv. I'm going to go by your apartment and get you a few things, and then I'll be right back here when you come back okay?"

"Thanks Casey." Olivia whispered, squeezing her friend's hand before she, Cragen, and the nurse made their way down the hallway. They reached the neonatal unit and Olivia reached down, stopping the wheelchair abruptly. "Don?" She questioned softly.

Cragen startled, quickly closing the gap between them where he had been following a few feet behind. He took her hand and squeezed it gently. "I'm right here Liv."

The nurse helped her wash her hands and put on the gown before slowly wheeling her into the room. Olivia's eyes filled with tears, her grasp on his hand tightening, as they reached the incubator. She took a shuddering breath as she looked at all of the machines and wires hooked up to her tiny baby girl. "I-I need to hold her."

The nurse nodded, giving her a gentle smile. She helped Olivia into a rocking chair on one side of the room before returning to the incubator for the baby. Olivia and Don watched as the nurse lifted the tiny bundle and placed her carefully in Olivia's arms. When they were settled, she stepped away to give them some privacy.

Olivia was trembling as she looked down at the little girl in her arms. She was so fragile, her whole body barely bigger than Olivia's hands, her arms the size of one finger. Cragen watched as she gazed down at her daughter. Her lips were moving but the words were silent as the tears streamed down her face.

His heart aching for her, Cragen knelt carefully beside the rocking chair and laid a gentle hand on Olivia's arm. "She needs a name," he whispered.

Olivia gazed down at the baby for a moment before smiling shakily back at him. "Serena Dawn," she whispered.

He smiled through the tears that suddenly choked him, and he gave her arm a gentle squeeze. "It's perfect."

They both returned their attention to the tiny Serena who lay quietly on her lap, cradled by her mother's hands. Every breath seemed to be a struggle for the tiny girl, despite the work of the ventilator, and her body seemed so fragile.

"She's not going to make it, is she?" Olivia whispered through her tears.

Cragen glanced up at the nurse for confirmation before he sighed. "I'm sorry Olivia."

Her whole body trembled as she tried to hold back the tears. Olivia looked up, finding the nurse. "Is she in pain?"

The nurse looked reluctant as she answered, "I'm sorry, but we just don't know. At this age, her nerves are still developing, still raw-"

Olivia closed her eyes and whispered, "Turn off the machines."

"Olivia?" Cragen laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.

She looked up at him with tear filled eyes. "She's in pain Don. I- I don't want her to suffer," she whispered, her grief and pain already etching lines into her face.

"Ms. Benson," the nurse began, "if we turn them off-"

"I know."

"Are you sure Olivia?" Cragen asked gently.

She nodded brokenly. "T-turn them off." She could not take her eyes off of her daughter as the machines went silent. Her tears began again as she rocked with her little girl. "I love you Serena. I'm so sorry," she whispered over and over again through her tears until the steady beep of the heart monitor ceased. When it was done the nurse gave her some time, and Cragen watched her, unable to hold back his tears as she continued to rock with the baby.

She sobbed brokenly as the nurse finally removed the baby from her arms, wrapping her gently in the blanket and stepping away. Cragen knelt beside her and pulled her into his arms, doing the only thing he could think of to comfort her. Careful to avoid her incision, he lifted her out of the rocking chair and sat down, settling her on his lap. He held her tightly as her body was wracked with sobs. He rocked with her, rubbing her back and whispering reassurances as he fought back his own tears. She buried her face in his chest and cried until her body's exhaustion took over.

When he felt her body relax in his arms Cragen stood, refusing the wheelchair, and carried her back to her room. He laid her carefully on the bed, pulling the thin sheet and blanket up to her chest and gently brushing her hair away from her face. He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead before settling into his chair beside her bed.

* * *

A/N: Wow, didn't expect to get so emotional writing that. Please review!!!!


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